That Time the Author Made Signing Up for Bank Accounts Interesting

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After going through our morning routine of bathing, Sam refusing to let her hair be brushed, and sharing a humble breakfast, we go over the plan for yet another day. I quickly run over the bullet points for the two girls and neither of them has any objections to my staying home for the day to do some long overdue paperwork.

I have to mention the creation of Guild bank accounts to them though as part of our odd payment situation. Despite both Sam and Zutiria resisting initially, they agree when I explain how it’s only for official records and that if the Guild needs the money all they have to do is agree to withdraw it and give it to me. That way it at least looks like I’m paying my current heroes when I have to report it to the Association of Adventurers.

‘You’re rather sneaky finding this loophole, aren’t you, Sir?’ Zutiria teases as I return from my office with the necessary paperwork to set up their brand new bank accounts.

“It’s creative accounting, sure, but it’s not shady. It’s just that there’s not really a system in place for adventurers who are content to lay around fucking their boss without getting paid.”

Sam leans her elbows on the table and smirks. “I feel personally attacked.” 

“You should.” I chuckle softly, setting up the documents. “Just to be on the safe side, Sam, may I see your Hero License?”

“Uh,” The young Princess shoves her gloved hand into her breast plate and ruffles around until pulling out the small, laminated card. “Yeah sure, Boss.”

I double check and confirm that the name listed is just ‘Sam’ and not anything incriminating before handing it back to her. “Alright. Just make sure not to sign your full name. I’m sure you don’t want to draw any attention to you being here.”

Sam laughs. “Why not? Maybe if Father learned where I was he’d pull all his financial support from Perlshaw and throw it here instead?”

My glasses almost fall off from my face upon hearing that.

‘Sammy, don’t give the poor man hope like that. It’s such a dangerous thing to cling to.’ Zutiria shakes her head, elegantly sipping tea with one hand and filling out paperwork with the other.

“Right, that’s just a silly... silly notion.” I laugh nervously, though less so after I notice Zutiria sending me a knowing look. We’ve talked about this before, or she at least implied that the King would probably do something along those lines if he ever found out about my relationship to his daughter... at least according to Zutiria's experience with him.

Her eyes tell me that all I need to do is ask, but I dismissively shake my head at her and she sighs. I repeat. I want to succeed on my own merits, and I refuse to use Sam like that. Besides, she and I haven’t even talked about ‘making it official’ the way that Zutiria and I have. I can only imagine what her response would be...

‘Question, Sir.’ Zutiria sets her pen down to rest for a brief moment as she enjoys the last drops of her tea.

“Yes?”

‘Do we officially live here?’ The question is a very simple one, but for some reason it makes me blush.

“What do you mean?”

Zutiria smiles and holds up the document, pointing at the line for her address. ‘I’m asking if this place qualifies as Sammy and I’s place of residence or not, or if we have to list Castle Lundreame.’

“Shit,” Sam sweats. “That wouldn’t be good.”

I groan and bend over the table. “That’s...! Oh no, I totally forgot... I never filed the paperwork to give you two official residency here. I’ll have to submit it along with the bank account documentation when we mail them off or it won’t be valid...” Groaning, my day becomes that much longer.

“I shouldn’t need your help on that one, at least, I’ll just need your signatures a few times on those documents.”

Sam looks at me the way one would look at an injured puppy. “You poor, poor thing... I had no idea your job was this fucking boring, Boss. I thought you just got to go around and yell at people until they give you more money than the quest is actually worth...!”

“Is that really what you think of me...?”

Zutiria giggles at my expense. ‘You seem to have fallen behind, Sir. Not that I can blame you. I think any rational man in your situation would have dropped his paperwork duties for a few weeks after being given not one but two sexual outlets after thirty-two long, grueling years of virginity.”

I squint behind my glasses. “When you live in a Mage’s tower of glass, you shouldn’t be casting spells of stone throwing.”

The as of recently thirty-five year old virgin looks away with a blush painted across her face. ‘Point taken.’

It takes a while for Sam and Zutiria to finish the bank paperwork, but Sam has a question just before she’s finished. “Boss, I was confused by this little footnote here. Granted I ain’t got much experience dealing with money, but it says here that the Guild only lets you withdraw in multiples of 100G and will under no circumstances allow withdrawals of Silver and Copper coins? Is that... uh... normal for banks...?”

The Princess looks at Zutiria for confirmation, but the Mage shrugs her shoulders. They both lived in a castle and got anything they ever asked for from an early age. Though their personalities are very, very far apart Zutiria really does come off as Sam’s older sister at times thanks to their shared home and the similarities that that environment gave them. 

“No, actually. That’s something rather shitty of the Guild system if I’m being honest.” I scratch my hair and look away, as if this were somehow my fault. It’s not, but I’m embarrassed that I have to comply with the policy nonetheless. “The reasoning for that is to dissuade adventurers from actually wanting to make withdrawals. Nobody wants to go around lugging hundreds and hundreds of gold coins around, it’s just impractical. So by doing it this way they trick adventurers into letting their accounts grow and grow while the majority of their money is being used towards investments.”

Zutiria nods along, fascinated if not visibly pissed at the system and its blatant manipulation tactics. Sam however, I apparently lost very early on in the explanation. I sigh and sum it up for her. “No, it’s not normal. It’s the Association of Adventurers being shitty.”

“Bastards!” Sam slams her fists down on the table, though thankfully not enough to break it, just make everything sat on it jump.

“Indeed.” I sigh.

‘Hurry up and finish your paperwork, Sammy. You and I have plenty of things on the agenda for today.’ Zutiria has long since finished and has taken her beret off to reveal that little rat of hers. It crawls down across her shoulder and arm to rest on her palm, which makes her smile.

“Almost, just give me a minute...!” Sam grumbles, scratching at the paper with her pen.

My attention is still drawn to Zutiria’s pet, though, as it’s wearing a little white collar with a red bow string that looks suspiciously like my own. Seeing how it caught my eye, Zutiria extends her hand and the rat closer to my face for inspection. ‘Do you like what I’ve done with him? He is a civilized gentleman now.’

“He looks familiar.” I raise an eyebrow, which gets a soft smile from Zutiria.

‘I call him the Little Sir. He comes from a shabby background of ill repute and he’s always scrounging for any opportunity he can find to get out come on top, but it hardened him. Made him tough. The other rats are scared of him, and rightly so. He has a certain fire in his eyes... don’t you agree, Sir?’

“... Uh-huh.” Boy, that was revealing.

She giggles adorably, bringing the large, dark grey rodent close enough for her to kiss him on his whiskery cheek. It squeaks happily. ‘I have taken it upon myself to make him presentable, but I have not yet found a way to keep the tiny glasses I’ve made for him in place and he insists on nibbling his little vest. Once I’ve recovered enough to use higher level spells, I plan on making the Little Sir my familiar. I’ve never had a familiar before, so I’m quite excited.’

I can’t help but smile, even if she’s openly admitting how similar she thinks I am to a rat. Ah, well. At least I’m a rat that makes her happy.

“DONE!” Sam stands up like an impatient toddler and shows off her signed documents. Zutiria and I both clap sarcastically for her, but she doesn’t get that we’re teasing her so she just basks in our admiration of her own ability to sign ‘SAM’ over and over again on a dotted line.

Zutiria smiles and summons the Little Sir back to her little beret and stands up. ‘It’s half past ten. Not too bad, considering.’ She says while shooting a biting look at Sam, but the implication is lost on the air-headed Princess.

“One moment,” I say while heading towards a storage closet. I rummage around until I find several very large burlap sacks for them to carry the steezweed back and forth to the illicit alchemist’s home. 

Until now we relied on selling wild steezweed to the buyer through mailing back the quests he posted, he did mention in his quest notes that if it’s easier for us we could visit his place of business and sell them there. I’m sure that he wouldn’t mind such a large load outside of official quest business. I sure hope he wouldn’t at least, because I don’t want to have to store that smelly junk in the Guild while trying to find a buyer.

Anyways, I hand them over to the girls and explain how to get to the buyer’s address. They both give me a playful kiss on the lips as they set out for the day, ready to bring back their buried weapons and harvest a crazy amount of weed that will almost certainly end up processed into an illicit potion. Just another honest day’s work in Dewhurst.

“Boss, how long is all that boring ass paperwork gonna take you?” Sam asks on her way out.

“Most of the day,” I admit sadly. “Why do you ask?”

She blushes and smiles, looking down to Zutiria who nods. “Well, we were thinking that if you get done before we get home then you should... uh...” The Princess coughs awkwardly.

“Yes...?”

‘Don’t worry about us. Leave early for your date with Opalina.’ The little lady smiles ever so coyly.

Shit. Between all this documentation  and paperwork I honest to gods forgot that I had planned on meeting the good doctor later tonight. Even more so that this meeting was likely going to go in a very sexual, lewd direction. “I see. Well... are you sure? What will you have for dinner without me?”

Sam laughs heartily from outside the Guild. “Surely you wouldn’t mind if we took a bit of the pay from today and treated ourselves while you go and treat yourself on those huge tits, would you Boss?”

I blush and look away, “You don’t have to be so crass about it, Sam. Honestly. Have some tact...”

Sam has trouble holding in a snort and she gets in close to my face. “Holy shit, Boss, are you actually like... SHY about getting to smash that milfy piece of ten outta ten?”

Turning to face the Princess with the shit-eating grin, I bare my balled fists. “So what if I am?! She was my first crush, Sam! Unattainable beyond belief, the wet dream of every boy in Dewhurst!! And not only that, she practically raised me!”

Sam, completely not getting the point, starts laughing even harder. “So what? That just means you get to call her Mommy without it being weird! But wait, if she’s Daddy’s Mommy then what do I get to call her...? Do I have to call her Granny? Because uh... I don’t think I’d be into that one honestly.”

My cheeks are redder than they’ve ever been and I have half a mind to grab this Princess, throw her over my shoulder, walk back up to the bedroom and spank the shit out of her fat, jiggly ass. But luckily I don’t have to.

Zutiria points towards the obnoxious Princess with her little pointer finger and whispers, “Dar... kreach...” verbally under her breath.

A single shadowy hand reaches out from Zutiria’s shadow and flies towards Sam, shutting her stupid mouth once and for all. She flaps her arms uselessly trying to escape, but the shadowy hand begins to drag her along behind the Mage who starts walking away.

‘Do your best, Sir. Both at the paperwork and with your magic, ageless Mommy.’ Zutiria turns to wave at me and to my surprise, the Little Sir pokes out from under her hat and waves at me as well. Sam is still struggling against the dark hand clutching her face shut, and I can only hope it’s not awakening some sort of suffocation fetish in the little royal brat.

Gods know that Princess’s brain is fucked enough as it is.

I turn back towards my Guild and make my way to the office, and despite how little I’ve used it the last several years I still know where everything I need is. Shortly after arriving I’ve already straightened out multiple stacks of papers I need to work through.

The residential papers, the monthly income statement, as well as some various odds and ends I need to report to the AoA in general. If I’m working at full capacity I reckon I could maybe polish this off in five hours, but... Opalina.

She’s waiting for me. Not just now, but for the last five years she’s been alone and worried about me and has harbored a secret longing for me every single one of those days and then some. When I was at my lowest and avoiding her, she was on the peripheral waiting for me to call out.

And I never did...

Three hours.

I don’t care if I break my wrist, I’m getting this all done in three hours and not a second less.

My pen scrawls at high speed, all but tearing the documents, my eyes with their otherworldly power scan across them, scrutinizing for everything that needs to be filled out and everything that can be ignored.My brain calculates long form equations to double check the earnings and list everything properly in the correct order.

The only break I take is to make myself a weapon to fight the darkness that is paperwork- a sword so sharp it can propel me to victory. My signature sweetened blend of coffee that contains a near lethal dose of caffeine. Poison to all others, only I, in my bureaucratic might can use this potion to battle my enemies and come out alive.

Sign this. Stamp that. Carry the three. Seal this envelope. Sign. Sign. Sign. Sign. Sign.

Sigh... There.

The task is done, and the kicker? It only took two hours and forty-two minutes. I did it, Miss Hart...! I did it for you! I pump my arms into the air victoriously and stand up to celebrate, only to topple over my desk from legs fast asleep and accidentally slam my forehead into the hardened wood of the table.

I groan loudly and rest from my coffee crash, closing my eyes for just a moment. But in that short moment I’m interrupted by a knock on my office door. “Dear? I hope you don’t mind but I let myself in given that the front door is in a sorry state of repairs.” I hear a deep, mature giggling on the other side of my door followed by a much more serious tone of voice telling me,

“We need to have a long talk about this place though, young man. Would you care to explain to me how this Guild ended up transforming into such a... a... disgusting, barely livable violation of the Goddess’s Realm?”

Fuck the Goddess, and fuck me. I was kind of hoping I’d get to make love to Opalina BEFORE she came over and saw how shitty the Guild looked...

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Rise of the Guild Master